So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
