walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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