You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
