I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
