This is the prime rib incident all over again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
