everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
