I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
