I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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