My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
