He uses pillows to masturbate.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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