You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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