Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
