last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
