i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
