the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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