Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
