There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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