Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
