I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
