there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Little spoons don't ask big questions
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
