me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Text me some of your sweat
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
