Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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