So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
