Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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