Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize