Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
