you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I can feel your judgement through the phone
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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