we have officially lost it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
