This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
