thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just threw up on my dentist
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
