last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
