Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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