Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
