oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
honey bunches of taint.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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