if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
