I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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