It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
