i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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