last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
