I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Did I show you my penis last night?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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