We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
