I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
