I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
