You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
