I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How does it feel to date your dad?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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