I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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