I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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