maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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