so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
