dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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