I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize