I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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