I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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