# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize