Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
don't judge my taste in strippers
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
