My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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